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Personal

Nothing But A Fake Smile

So, the nurse that forwarded me to the Psychology service (and who prescribed me Wellbutrin) asked me to keep a running log of my moods and feelings. The problem is that lately I feel exactly the same all the time. No, that’s not the problem. The problem is that the way I feel all the time can only be described as, “blah”, “numb” or “meh.”

Just when I think that things might change I’m blasted with reminders that everything will always be exactly the same. Not only am I stuck in a household of people that are together strictly out of convenience – but I care about everyone there. Certainly more than they all care about me. Is it wrong to feel a sense of loyalty to people who have nothing but feelings for themselves?

So I actually wrote this entry on June 5th. Ironically enough I was called away from the laptop by some major drama. Typical. Anyway! Onto the actual entry for today! After the…actually…right above this one.

Summer Is Upon Us

I’ve never liked summer, as long as I can remember. Maybe it’s the heat? Maybe it’s the feeling that I have absolutely nothing to do? (Yes, school DOES comprise that much of my life.) But that can’t quite be it. After all, I actually have a lot to take up my summer this year!

First and most obvious: I have to study for the LSAT. The path to becoming a lawyer isn’t easy and the first step is taking the Law School Admission Test.  The test actually has nothing to do with one’s knowledge of the test. It’s more of an Analytical Reasoning/Logic test; an IQ test if you will. As confident as I am in this area, I know I can’t afford to be blasé about it as I would like. After all, if I mess it up it affects my scholarship amount and even the schools I can attend. It’s all very…tiresome. Anyway! I’m going to be spending an awful lot of time perfecting my Logic Games mastery.

I’ve also begun going to therapy again. I’ve been prescribed medication as well. Why? Well for those of you that don’t know me at all: I suffer from pretty crippling depression and anxiety. Granted, it seems like everyone on the internet does too. But it’s been over a year since I’ve gotten help of any sort. The disease has been taking of my life and I’m cautiously hopeful that this will help.

I’m also planning on staying true to my promise to revise all of my Fanfiction. It’s a pretty large collection, with over 60 stories (many of them with at least 10 chapters.) I look forward to revising my work and making it better. But it also promises to be a fearsome task. I’ve written a lot and I plan on re-doing EVERYTHING. Guh. Right along on that same creative streak I am reviving an old role play based on some personal journals. I’m really hoping that it lasts this time. I enjoy role playing. It’s a great short-term creative outlet! It also gives me an excuse to spend more time with my friend Amanda, who I’ve missed terribly. Finally! I’m getting back to playing guitar. I’m sorely out of practice and I have an entire summer to regain form!

Things with Dustin are…okay. I tend to be an over-sensitive individual and Dustin tends to be an under-sensitive brute. It’s not the best combination. A lot of the time he means well or just doesn’t realize what an ASS he’s being. The problem is that half the time, when he does realize it (eventually), he refuses to admit it or apologize for it. At least at first! And it’s that waiting period that allows me to stew in my angry juices just long enough to question the relationship as a whole. I know I care for him, but I’m not the patron saint of patience and I have a lot of stress in my life. Buh. I guess we’ll just see how that pans out. He just installed Mac OS onto his laptop…so I may even break up with him over that. Yes. I do hate Mac that much. I really, really do.

Hope your summer fairs better!

<3 EA

Cheer Up Emo Kid

I’ll say this. By now i’m more than sure that my friends are sick of hearing how very sad I am all the time.  I’m sure that it’s difficult to relate to someone who is so very gloomy all the time. After a while, people just stop caring. It seems that I never tire of hearing people’s problems but those same people always tire of hearing mine. I understand. I really do. To them it must seem that i’m just complaining without taking any steps towards resolving my issues. However, the fact of the matter is that for the time being my position cannot change. I won’t go into the details of why that is, but, that’s just how it is. I’ve accepted it. It’s so !frustrating! to have people give me simple answers. Just move out. Just leave him. Just drive. Just get a car. Just ask them for more money. Just do this…just just just. If it were that easy I wouldn’t be complaining. I’m not the type to seek comfort when I can fix the problem myself. The hard part is trudging forward knowing that my life isn’t going to get better anytime soon.

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