I’ll say this. By now i’m more than sure that my friends are sick of hearing how very sad I am all the time.  I’m sure that it’s difficult to relate to someone who is so very gloomy all the time. After a while, people just stop caring. It seems that I never tire of hearing people’s problems but those same people always tire of hearing mine. I understand. I really do. To them it must seem that i’m just complaining without taking any steps towards resolving my issues. However, the fact of the matter is that for the time being my position cannot change. I won’t go into the details of why that is, but, that’s just how it is. I’ve accepted it. It’s so !frustrating! to have people give me simple answers. Just move out. Just leave him. Just drive. Just get a car. Just ask them for more money. Just do this…just just just. If it were that easy I wouldn’t be complaining. I’m not the type to seek comfort when I can fix the problem myself. The hard part is trudging forward knowing that my life isn’t going to get better anytime soon.

My situation sucks. My family sucks. My life sucks. My boyfriend in his infinite LACK of empathy and excess of selfishness sucks. This whole thing sucks. But I can’t escape it. Not quite yet. And so I’m stuck here in this whirlpool of disappointment. I keep trying to claw my way out.  The only way to do that is to talk to people. To make human connections. To feel like someone, somewhere hasn’t stopped caring yet. But lately I don’t get that feeling from anyone. I didn’t realize…that friendship was a point system and that i’ve used up all my points. Here I’ve been giving my points away for free.

I didn’t know that a simple doctor’s visit would result in nearly the entire Student Health Center giving me a hug and telling me it would be okay. I didn’t know that they would burst into someone else’s psychiatric appointment just to get me on some pills. I didn’t know how sad I was until complete strangers noticed it. Maybe i’ve been lying to myself. Then again, I’m sure I knew deep down. People don’t just burst into tears on a daily basis for no reason do they? They wouldn’t prescribe me something known to cause seizures unless they thought I was really fucked up would they?

The worst part is feeling alone and then having that feeling confirmed by the cynicism. The cynicism from my friends, from my family, even from my boyfriend. “Get over it” Isn’t the best advice you could give someone who’s on the edge. Sometimes I think i’m being too selfish in asking for unconditional support from SOMEONE. Other times I remember how many times i’ve given someone else unconditional support. Am I not worth the same kind of courtesy?

I can deal with it all. I don’t mind being sad. I don’t mind feeling alone. I don’t mind living under these circumstances. I don’t mind that I often feel as if my friends are only superficial.

I mind that people constantly have to remind me that’s the way it is.