WARNING WARNING: Self indulgent post. Semi rant…but not really. More like a declaration of stuff everyone already knows.
The prototypical image of Eden-Avalon, as described by a few long-…long-…long-term friends is as depicted below:
"I CAN'T TYPE WITH THIS GIANT LIPSTICK IN THE WAY!"
A long time ago: I decided it was far more convenient to use a good webcam as a mirror, rather than an actual mirror. That way I could stay on my laptop while maintaining my GLORIOUS SHINE. For a very long time, my only friends were males. Scratch that. My only friends were males ONLINE. With a handle like AvalonWitch, I’m surprised no one realized I was a girl earlier. The first instance of my being recognized as a member of Club Boobs was over a game of D&D via webcam chat. After that (that being the cancellation of the game to discuss whether or not I was REALLY a girl and many requests of “SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!”) I decided to make it quite obvious to anyone online that I was of the feminine gender.
I’ve gone through quite a metamorphosis. I used to be stick thin and averse to any socializing whats-so-ever-. Then I was grossly obese, bedridden and chatting with online boys who couldn’t wrap their minds around a girl that liked video games. Now I’ve fallen into what Bucket likes to call “Curvy” and am somewhere between ironically social or voluntarily awkward. I embrace my nerdiness, I really do. From HEAVILY judgmentally toned remarks about how my sister didn’t know what a Venutian was to physically shoving people out of the way when they block my Stark Trek – I like nerdy stuff. I love computers, I love the warez and cracking scene and XKCD is my secret obsession. But…I use my webcam as a mirror.
But this post isn’t about boring you guys with my self-imposed contradictory nature. It’s about something that’s started bugging me as of…like an hour before I wrote this post. My blog lacks nerd!
You’ve (presumably) seen blogs with manifestos. Gyaru manifestos, fashion, style, makeup manifestos. Statements of who they are and what they do. This is my Nerd Girl manifesto.
I Am A Nerd Girl
I use my webcam as a mirror. I maintain my heart equally in the Trekkie and Star Wars universes. I used to crush on Isaac Asimov – like really. I can take apart and put together a computer AND depot my cosmetics. I find that acrylic nails give me an edge when it comes to typing quickly. Sometimes I tell my fake eyelashes to “Sudo Apply.” I secretly love playing video games with my boyfriend, but I don’t want him to know because then he’d want to play them all the time and I would grow a penis. I hunt zombies and I have a patch to prove my competence at it. XKCD AND my Beauty Blogger Subscriptions are both set up to open when I turn on my computer. My nerd friends are always surprised to hear me talk about fashion. My girly friends are always surprised to hear me talk about tech stuff. I goo goo talk BOTH my laptop and my kitties.
None of these are huge confessions. None of these are monikers of one lifestyle or another. But together, they make up who I feel I am.
You have to understand. I used to refuse to wear makeup on the foundation (ha!) that it would irrevocably ruin who I was. I believed that presenting my face bare to the world meant anyone who accepted me was accepting the full me. I didn’t realize that I could come through the lipstick and the shine control powder. I used to sneak lip gloss like Whitney Houston snuck into the casual drug user category. It was only when I reached a zen-like peace with the idea that I could be both pretty and functional that my self esteem began to rise. Yeah – I was that messed up.
Do I plan on embracing my feminine side more? Yes – I’ve found it’s greatly boosted my self esteem as well as Bucket’s tendency to imitate Avery Wolf. Feminist inspired ranting during such imitations aside – I quite enjoy being appreciated on a superficial and non-”You’re SMART” level. Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of my intelligence. I’m glad I’m going to law school, that I’m just as capable in the world of academia as I hope to be in the world of makeup and beauty blogging. But there’s something about the time-travelling Bucket makes back to age 15 when I walk out looking “enhanced” that makes me feel powerful.
Don’t worry. I will always be up for vegging out in sweats with a crazy asian topknot because i’m too lazy to do my hair.
I’d scrapped this post until I received an unexpected comment from NEW AFFILIATE Justin @ I Peed A Little. In his infinite wisdom he made me remember who I started off as when this blog began. Awkward and unsure (but now bearing better clothes and a light layer of mineral makeup) I am Eden-Avalon and I am a nerd…and a girl.