You’re gone now and I don’t know where you went. I can still feel your arms around me, the safe feeling of them. I can still remember the way you kissed me and how it made me feel like I was the focus of the world. I remember the way you looked at me and suddenly I mattered. I remember how you spoke to me and suddenly everything was really going to be okay.

I haven’t had any of those feelings in a very long time. That man, that person is no longer alive. And the man that you’ve become is someone I cannot love. It hurts too much to love him. It hurts too much to see him and remember the man who thought I was his. The man I thought was mine. The man I thought I would be happy for the rest of my life with. It hurts too much to look at you now and know that none of that will happen. It hurts too much to know that I let you pick me up and that (rather than dropping me) you just…disappeared.

Whoever you are now is someone I can’t be with. Someone I can’t see again. Because while the man is gone the body remains – and it reminds me too much of what i’ve lost. Reminds me too much of what I miss most about you. It reminds me of how foolish it was to hope that someone like me could ever find someone to belong with. Reminds me that cards don’t lie and that the future is very rarely flexible. I know now that sick people, broken people should only expect what they’ve already gotten. To be broken down by the things that are not in their control.

I am a firm believer in karma. I beleive that what the universe hands out to you is what you deserve. So I am sure I deserve all this. The pain, the longing, the agonizing loneliness of losing you. It’s scary…i’m afraid. I’m afraid of waking up on Monday and knowing that you and I will never see each other again. I’m afraid of going through the day and having something happen to me that my heart screams at me to share with you…and i’m afraid of the moment when I realize that you are no longer here to share those things with.

I mourn you and the warmth I had from you. I mourn the loss of the love I had for you because I don’t know where it went. I can only hope you find someone who will love who you are now, the way I loved who you used to be.
So I choose to walk away. Uncertain, alone and afraid – but knowing one thing. That what I am doing is for the best. Because you stopped loving me a long time ago and I cannot keep loving you.
<3 EA