Truth be told: I didn’t actually know of athazagoraphobia existed until I saw this image. It really struck a chord. I am certainly scared kitten-less at the thought that my family, friends or significant other will forget me. A lot of my being avoidant (and  borderline) personality disordered is the hysterical fear of being left alone. Oftentimes, as a result of my own insecurity, I feel forgotten.

When someone breaks plans with me, when someone is late or even when there are mere hints of that person distancing themselves I take it for the worst. Way way way way (way) back when I was in elementary/middle/early-high school, my approach in dealing with this was to distance myself from other people before they did it to me. It was an excellent defense mechanism mind you. I very rarely displayed the effects abandonment at all, even to myself. But apparently this isn’t the “healthy” way to deal with such feelings so I learnt to come out of my shell. I made friends. I thought things were peachy-freaking keen.

People change. I changed, my friends changed, my wants and needs changed. I went through jerk after jerk (Karl, Ben, Alec, Mike, Ben, Karl, Matt, Vinnie) until I found someone I thought was really what I wanted and needed. Dustin isn’t everything I wanted when I formulated my theoretical dream guy. He’s a goober, he’s insensitive, he’s so completely disorganized, distracted, always running late and he places a lot of emphasis on material wealth and possessions. When our differences come to light they clash in the worst of ways, to the point where we can’t STAND to be around each other. To the point where he feels his ideas and opinions are dismissed and I feel my emotions are.

But when things are good?? He makes me feel like a completely different person. Like someone who can and wants to go out and smile at people, try new things, expand my horizons. I’m so sick so often and I’m such a HOMEBODY that I usually can’t stand being out of my room for too long. At the same time, after a long day of faking smiles at people (family, customers, classmates) I don’t want to have to fake a smile on account of my boyfriend. I don’t want to have to pretend everything’s okay when it’s not. I hate the notion of faking interest in something because it seems so…underhanded. Like telling someone you’re pro-choice on a first date and inviting them to an abortion clinic bombing for date number 2. I want to be able to have differences with people and STILL get along with them without either side SHOVING their beliefs down each other’s throats.

I want to try to find a balance. Because I’m not prepared to go back to my life before Dustin. I’m not prepared for not having someone to confide it, someone to laugh at dumb things with, someone who will do random sweet things, someone who looks at me like i’m beautiful after i’ve just finished having a panic attack and am covered in my own fluids (ew!) It’s worth trying for. Though I have to agree…if things don’t work out this time it’s gotten to the point where we both have to walk away.

He doesn’t want to break up. Or if we do, he wants to stay friends and still see each other. He also knows that I can’t do that. It’s too hard to look at someone you’ve loved (love?) and know you couldn’t make it work. To know that love did not conquer all and that you’re both going about your day as if that splendorous love never happened. It feels like a lie.

So I will try to make him feel special and acknowledged. I will try to become more independent and self-sustaining. And I will see how that makes me feel. I have no problem being the kind of girl who needs someone to talk to her at 2AM in the morning because she can’t sleep. I have no problem being that girl single OR in a relationship. Someone’s bound to want me eventually…right? When I decide that my feelings aren’t being taken into consideration and will continue to be ignored I have made the active choice to walk away. Because my heart wants it and my pride demands it.

At this exact moment: I want to be optimistic. Maybe i’m being delusional. Maybe you will all hate me for trying (again!) But I can’t just walk away without knowing I did all I could. I’ve told hiim how I feel, he’s done likewise and all we can do is wait to see how things change. If they don’t…then they don’t.

In the end: we’re all just afraid of feeling forgotten.

<3 EA